Stone Walls

The walls were built up brick by brick, 
strong - without a crack.

Not to keep the feelings out, 
but to keep them in - without slack.

Too many roles to let the feelings show,
the heart no longer knows to go.

But time alone has worn the walls,
some cracks now do appear.

The heart soaks up the sun, 
its time outside draws near.

The Jeweler's Wares

            “Our jeweler is the best.  No one in the world can match his skill,” crowed Ruby to her friends.  “I was talking the other day to my new friend Diamond.  She’s from some other shop, and she said that she got sent here so that real perfection could be achieved.  She says that our Andy’s work is so legendary, people say that he creates all of us out of nothing.  Any time he makes one of us, we’re absolutely perfect, just the way he wants us to be.”

            “I heard,” cut in Pearl, “that he doesn’t even have to find materials to make us either.  He just goes into his workshop, and comes out again, with a new perfect gem in his hands.”

            “I love how each of us is made unique.  No cut is the same, no shape the carbon copy of the next one.  I can’t imagine how Andy can do it. He’s made so many of us, and has never used the same design twice.  Wow,” Emerald sighed contentedly.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Ladomar grimaced as he walked past the gems’ shelf.  They were at it again.  Talking about their favorite subject.  Andy.  It was all they talked about as they awaited their purpose.  It was always ‘Andy this’ and ‘Andy that’.   Ladomar was sick of it.  Everywhere he went, it was Andy’s name that he heard.  No one ever mentioned his name; no one talked about who was always in Andy’s shadow.  Everyone forgot that Andy had an assistant.  Ladomar thought that even Andy himself forgot now and then.  He tried to tune out what the jewels were saying as he went about his work in the shop, cleaning up, straightening everything, making it all perfect.  But no matter how he tried to drown out the jewels’ voices, their words were always grating against his ears.  And the worst of it was that it was all true.  There was no one who could even come close to claiming the skill that Andy possessed.  Ladomar still had no idea how Andy was able to create so many unique, perfect pieces.  In all his years working for him, Ladomar still hadn’t learned the secret.  And that’s what cut the deepest.

            At first, he was content to remain in the shadows, was thrilled to be so close to the one who could do so many fantastic things.  He had been in utter awe of Andy.  But as time went on, he got used to the wonders, until they ceased to be wonderful to him.  He began hoping that Andy would start treating him like an apprentice, start teaching him how to make such wonderful jewels.  But with each passing day, Andy kept up his work, saying only a few words to Ladomar, and never invited him into his private workshop.  Ladomar had even tried bringing up the matter to Andy, and ask him to teach him.  But on every occasion, Andy had walked by preoccupied, not hearing him, or had not answered the question, and one time told him a solitary “No.”  Ladomar couldn’t believe it.  He had worked for Andy for so long, and had asked for nothing else, and Andy wouldn’t even teach him?  All Ladomar wanted was to be as great of a jeweler as Andy was.  Surely that wasn’t too much, right?  He deserved the chance to be Andy’s apprentice.  Assisting him just wasn’t enough.  So Ladomar began to feel resentment against Andy, began to hate the sound of his name, began to long for the day when his name would be praised just as highly- no, higher- than Andy’s name.

            So here he was again, running the jewel shop, hearing the gems go on and on about their maker, and still no closer to becoming a great jeweler himself than he had been on his first day.  He couldn’t take it anymore.  Ladomar waited until Andy left, and went into his private workshop.  He hoped, at the very least, that the room would hold all of the secrets of great jewel-making.  His whole being jittered with anticipation as he closed his fingers on the knob, turned the handle, and pushed open the door.  The room was black as he entered, and Ladomar fumbled around a bit before finding the light switch.  Finally, he could learn as much as Andy knew, and then he could leave, and start his own jewelry shop.  He could- …do nothing!  A single bulb lit up the room, revealing a wood floor and green walls.  Nothing was in that room.  Not even dust bunnies.  Ladomar couldn’t believe it.  He started looking around for a trap door.  There had to be something.  Surely Andy didn’t actually make the gems out of nothing.  There had to be a process that Ladomar could duplicate.  He had to be better than Andy.  He- … Ladomar turned back to the door at the sound of Andy’s return. 

            “What are you doing in here?” asked Andy.  His voice was calm, and his eyes told Ladomar that there would be no way out of this.  Andy already knew what Ladomar was going to say, already knew all the excuses that he could conjure up. 

            “I want to be as great as you.  Greater than you.  I can’t just be your assistant anymore.  I need to learn.”  Ladomar’s voice was defiant.

            Andy’s voice was kind as he replied, “Ladomar, you know I revere you highly.  I have put you in charge of running my shop, have given you the highest position.  But you cannot be like me.  You were brought in here to serve.  That is your place.  Please return to it.”

            “No!”  shouted Ladomar.  “I will not!  I deserve to be greater than you.  I’ve done so much for you!  I’ve heard your name be praised everywhere I go, and no one acknowledges my existence!  I’m tired of living in your shadow!  I deserve my own spotlight!”

            “Ladomar, please, calm yourself.  Return to your place.  Forget these desires for greatness.  Be great in what you have been called to do.”

            “No!”

            “Then I must ask you to leave.  I cannot allow you ruin this place with your attitude.” Andy was as calm as ever. 

            “Fine! I’ll leave!  But don’t ever expect me to come back!”  Ladomar stormed out of the little work room, and in his rage, threw around all of the beautiful gems Andy had made.  The gems cracked and broke into shards, and Ladomar threw most out onto the street.  He then went to go lick his wounds in the company of his friends.

                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Sapphire was shy when she arrived at Andy’s shop.  The other jewels who were there were very helpful though.  They did not try to push her, didn’t try to get her to share with them her experiences.  So for the first few days, she just listened.  She heard Ruby talk about her experiences.

            “I remember that day.  I remember Ladomar suddenly went crazy.  He went into Andy’s private workshop, which no one is ever supposed to do, and he started yelling at Andy, saying he should be greater than him.  When Andy told him- nicely, mind you- to please go back to running the shop, he lost it.  He stormed out, and the next thing I knew, he had picked me up and thrown me across the room.  I hit the wall, crashed onto the floor, and saw pieces of me shattered around me.  It was so horrible.  I was broken.  Cracked.  No longer perfect, like Andy had made me.  But Andy fixed me.  He saw past all of my brokenness, and put me back together.  I still have a few scars, but I am whole again, because of him.” 

Ruby’s story was one of the better ones.  Some jewels had spent some time outside of the shop, like Sapphire had, but had gotten to be returned to the store sooner than she.  Their stories were similar to hers, but also similar to Ruby’s.  Topaz told of how he had seen Ladomar one day on the streets, and how he and the friends he had with him would come up to broken jewels, like him, and would try to tell them all these bad things about Andy, or would try to twist the truth into a lie.  Some jewels were young enough to believe Ladomar, and would then let themselves get more cracked and broken before they realized what was going on.  Other gems were wise enough to know the wholeness that Andy could give them, and slowly tried to work their way back into his shop.  None of them had made it on their own, though.  Topaz told of a few people who were loyal to Andy who had helped return them.  Topaz himself was still in the process of being made new.  He still had a giant gash going through him, and a small chip here and there muddled his outline, but he wasn’t completely shattered like Sapphire was. 

Some jewels refused to admit that they had a story.  They never wanted to see their own brokenness, never admitted to being completely shattered.  Garnett was one of those jewels.  “I am just fine the way I am, this is who I’m supposed to be,” she would declare haughtily.  “If Andy didn’t want me to be like this, he wouldn’t have let it happen,” she’d say with a sneer.  Each day, the gems could see a new piece of her cracking or chipping off. 

Other jewels focused too much on their brokenness.  All that they could think of was how they were chipped, cracked, gouged, and how they could do nothing to fix it.  They lived for the days when Andy would spend time with them, putting the pieces back, smoothing out the cracks.  But then they would return from his workshop and see only the pieces that were missing, the cracks that were not yet filled. 

As she herself went through the process of being made new, Sapphire looked at those around her and watched.  It seemed to her like there were three categories of gems.  The first category saw only the beauty of what Andy had done.  They didn’t bother to look at the imperfections, and they acted like they weren’t even there.  It was as if their view of life was zoomed out so far that they couldn’t see any details.  The second category saw only the flaws, but never looked beyond them to see the beauty of Andy’s creation.  These gems looked at life through a lens zoomed in. 

Sapphire loved the days when it was her turn to spend some time with Andy in his workshop.  He would talk to her, tell her that he loved her, and tell her that he had a special purpose for her.  And slowly, he started putting her pieces back together.  As she was being mended, she thought she belonged to the third category of gems.  She saw that she still had flaws and marks on her, but she could also see the beauty of what Andy was doing for her.  It was like she viewed life at the right spot- not too far away, and not too close.  Sometimes she would struggle with leaning towards one view or another, but after spending time with Andy, she got better at seeing the picture from the right distance.  For that, she thanked Andy, and praised him for his greatness.  She also hoped that the other gems could learn to see their lives through that lens as well.  She hoped that the gems would stop listening to the twisted lies that Ladomar told them, and would instead listen to what Andy had to tell them.  Sapphire loved having that perspective, and tried to share it with her friends as often as she could. 

Author’s Note

This story is a creative rendering of a true story found in the Bible, and of some of my own musings.  Because of this, there is a lot of parallelism between my story and the Bible’s account.  The part that is based on my own musings is how my mind creatively translated my thoughts of brokenness and how we are like Andy’s jewels.  Andy’s jewels can’t really do anything for themselves.  They’re incapable of fixing themselves, and must rely on Andy to do that.  There’s also a lot of meaning behind the names “Andy” and “Ladomar.”  Ladomar, of course, is based on Lucifer.  When I started thinking about writing this story, I wanted to pick a name that both started with an “L” and reflected on the character.  “Ladomar” is Hungarian, and means “trapper.”  Andy’s name isn’t quite as meaningful, but it is based on a reference.  There is a joke that goes: “Do you know God’s first name? It’s Andy.  ‘And He walks with me, And He talks with me, And He tells me I am His own.’  So since Andy is the God figure in this story, I thought it would be a fitting name for his character.

Dead Hawks Don't Fly

Alone in the sky
On silent wings
Looking at the world,
Thinking through things.


A forest spread out
Trees aplenty below
A turn in the sky
The turn silent and slow.


But out rings a shot
The sound rips through the air,
A feeling of falling
A boy's look of despair.


His unwanted prey 
Fell from the sky,
But despite what he did,
Dead hawks don't fly.

Chains

     They say that ignorance is bliss, and knowledge is the key to freedom.  But how true is that?  How free are we?  In ignorance, we are chained by the restrictions that come with it, and a lack of creative means, with no hope of moving forward.  But in knowledge we are also chained by the obligations and responsibilities that present themselves alongside our knowledge.  Can we really be free?  What is the balance of liberation?  To stay in ignorance is to deny oneself a meaningful life, but to forever be in pursuit of knowledge denies the chance of finding any meaning in life.  The only liberation, then, is to admit that one shall never know all that there is in life.  But does that signify defeat, and thus ignorance?  No.  The balance is found in a book.  A book that lays out what things can be learned, and what things will never be understood.  A 
book where life’s meaning is found on every page, every paragraph, every line, sentence and word.  A book written over the course of 2,000 years by 40 men, where every word was inspired by God.  Be free of the chains; liberation is never far away.

Stories

Stories: how powerful they are.  Cutting through to the very soul, leaving a raw and bleeding path in their wake.  Each line eliciting a new emotion, one that leaves the soul-bearer changed forever.  No more can the reader be innocent of the pain, love, insights or laughs that a single story can reveal.  Never again can the mind revert to its former self; forever changed, forever having entered a new awareness.  One can live a pretend life, as if unchanged, but somewhere, some time, perhaps in the dark of night or a weak moment, again will the story be brought to the forefront of the mind.  Inescapable, forever chained.  
Why can stories hold such power?  Simple words written on a paper.  But the force they wield can shape and hold sway over life and death itself.  Why?  A single voice penetrating, piercing.  Can mere words really be that affecting? 
So many have tried to control the power of words.  Some have caused unspeakable terrors, while others have shown love and encouragement, proclaiming the message they were given.  Still others merely flounder in a sea of words, their attempts at greatness falling by the wayside, soon to be swept away to make room for the new current.  
Stories.  A force so powerful, only one could, has, can, and will have complete control over it.  A force that bows to no one but its maker.  Only one man can claim that ownership.  A man called Messiah.  Prince of Peace.  King.  Lord.  Emmanuel.  Jehovah.  Yahweh.  Savior.  Redeemer.  Christ.  Son.  Jesus. … God.

Frustration

Sometimes I want to scream, to shout my furies to the world.  Oh why must life be such a stage, a dance, with a mask to wear and too many opportunities to make a wrong step?  For once, could there be no consequences for sharing completely who we are and what we feel?  Life is too short to tiptoe around subjects, but that's exactly what we do.  We are taught to live a certain way, and when we go against that grain, it is we who bear the brunt of if.
Not surprisingly, the source of my frustration is relationships.  This time, I'm having to deal with a friend of mine trying to set me up with a friend of hers. My tastes are completely different from this friend, yet she decided to try to hook me up anyway with a guy I don't know, have heard nothing about, and who now knows things about me.  What irks me the most, however, is that she didn't even ask me before thrusting this on me.  I feel like my personal life has been invaded somewhat, and it is something that I would never do to her.  Not without permission first.  There's also an eerie coincidence in it though.  All the guys whom I've had awkward relationship frustrations with have all had names starting with the same letter.  After this amount of time, I'm kind of wondering if it's a sign of some sort.
Now maybe I wouldn't mind as much if I felt I didn't have a chance with a certain someone else.  But the truth is, I may be starting to feel something for this guy, and I don't really know how to read him yet.  Maybe there's a chance, and I'm hoping there might be, but even if there doesn't come anything from it, right now I'd be okay too.  I just have to guard my heart, and hope I don't end up lying to myself.  I also wish I could go with the whole "no consequences" bit and just make my feelings known.  But again, there's a proper way to do things, and it could backfire otherwise.
I wonder though if I set my standards too high though sometimes.  The question is about where to draw the line, what to give or take.  I simply don't know.  And the not knowing is part of what frustrates me the most.  So here's basically my rant, and my scream, albeit one that does nothing to help situations.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The right 'rights' to fight for

So there's this post that's been going around on Facebook that I really can't ignore.  The post goes like this:


Don't like gay marriages? Don't get one... Don't like cigarettes? Don't smoke them... Don't like abortions? Don't get one... Don't like sex? Don't have it... Don't like drugs? Don't do them... Don't like porn? Don't look at it... Don't like alcohol? Don't drink it... Don't like your rights taken away, then don't take away someone else's.

This is my response:

The person that agrees with all of this is very skewed in their thinking as well.  With this kind of thinking, choices only affect the individual.  However, as life continues to prove, this is completely false.  Choices affect a number of people.  Take for instance the gay couple who got married.  They later adopt a child, but that child is at a disadvantage: they will never know the true relationship they could have had with a father and a mother.  They will always be missing out on one side.  The smoker may not care about their own health, but do they realize that their bad habit has caused the asthma afflicting their children?  Do they care enough for the health of their loved ones to stop?  And what about the father who's heart was broken when he found out he would never hold his baby girl because the mother got an abortion?  What about the couple who's unable to have children of their own, but desires to share their love with a child?  Instead of abortion, try adoption.  As for the sex issue, how many people have been forced to have sex when they didn't want to?  Where was the protection of their rights?  And think about the family who grieves the loss of their child because of how a drug addiction killed them.  How many women have been forced to become the objects of porn entertainment in order to scrape up a living?  Alcohol also affects many people.  Take for instance the child who is scared to go home to a drunk they call a parent because of the abuse they suffer.  Or the wife who must break apart a family because the husband doesn't care enough to put his family before the bottle.  Bottom line?  All choices deal with rights, the question is who's rights are being stomped upon, and who's rights are being given every benefit.  You may think your choice, your right, affects only you.  But stop and think about who's rights are being compromised so that you may fulfill yours.  What 'rights' would be better left behind so that life could be the prevailing victor?  What rights should be fought for?  I say we fight for the rights that protect the welfare of life, not the distruction of it.